That Time I blew half of what I had on something I really wanted and never used...
Once when the totals in my bank account were less than $100, I decided to blow half of that on a really nice set of paints at the big art store I had walked to from my studio apartment on Capital Hill. I knew I wanted them, or really- I wanted to make something beautiful with them. It felt so good dangerous to spend that money; I was on to something. Then- I took them home, put them in my art box and then took them with me in every move I made for the next ten years. When I finally actually tried to paint with them- like a month ago- They were totally dried up and I had to toss them..
They were just so precious that I couldn’t even start. I thought I wanted them- I really wanted to make something divine with them. Sad to say, I didn't trust myself to do it. I didn’t actually think I was worthy of them.
What do you want? Not what do you think you need or what you can get by with, but what do you WANT? That’s, uh, way harder to pin down than it sounds. If you get into the radical honest truth about what you want- you tend to uncover gremlins. Most of us wrestle with some very stubborn albatrosses. KNOWING “I am worthy of what I want” almost always has some obstacles. They aren’t obvious either, they are sneaky little mirages of untruth learned so perfectly you don’t even know that those beliefs are there, telling you that your desires are selfish, or don’t matter, because you don’t matter. I don’t care if what we want is to paint magic portraits, or a new house with big windows, or to get some rainbow sprinkles on ice cream, it's all the same. There is some baggage attached to what we want, and it is often some form of “I’m not worthy.”
You have to uncover those objections. Humans-we have a whole library of complicated feelings, arguments and beliefs encircling what we want.
You find out where they come from, and you disprove them to yourself. You get to make art with nice paints, even if you're still a work in progress.
Oh- and do it all with love, of course. No biggie.
Learning As I Go- Jes