Worry

Some of what I worry about, I could probably control. It isn’t real worry. It is anxiety coupled with procrastination. It hits me when I can’t do a thing about it, like in the middle of the night when I wake up and spin on how I still am not caught up with accounting. Or like when I need to do some emailing, but I have no internet connection. These things add up and then sit on my chest.

Other worries could have more concrete answers, but I can’t seem to go there. I feel sad about friends who I miss, but at some point, I have to acknowledge it is always me who calls them. But I can’t say it out loud. So it turns to worry, and lodges under my belly.

Sometimes the future feels muddy, and I don’t know which way to turn. I feel a lot of anxiety around this, but if I am honest, I am more anxious about the freak outs and reactions of the people close to me. I know how to flow with the river, but I am very sensitive to the emotional states of the people around me. I can’t control them, and so I worry, and it lays on my face and anchors where my jaw meets my ears.

 I haven’t learned to stop it. But I can take it off and leave it for awhile. In the woods. In the water. On the yoga mat. With my notebook and my guitar.  I forget I know how to deal, and then I remember, and then I forget, and then I remember ...

Maybe you can relate. Maybe we both need a deep breath. I am taking one now, and thinking of you. 

Jes Raymond